Archive for the ‘Rants’ Category

Deceptively bonkers

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010

Why do estate agents feel it necessary to write such awful descriptions of houses they have for sale? They appear all to agree on the following “style guide”:

  • Never use one simple word if you can find a circumlocution
  • Never use a common word when you can find a “fancy” one
  • Ignore punctuation
  • Do not check if what you have written actually makes sense
  • Do not check the meanings of words

Deceptively spacious and
in a sought-after location?

In a recent edition of the local weekly newspaper The Cornishman we had an advertisement for the sale of the former home of the late Sir Terry Frost, quite a famous artist. One of the attractions of this, according to the agent, was the property’s “notorious former resident”, or some such wording. I wonder what the Frost family thought of that. And what is wrong with the two little words “well” and “known”? Other pieces of nonsense I have spotted recently include a sitting room which welcomes you and an aforementioned garden which had not been mentioned at all.

I wonder if there is a central estate-agent-de-education agency which trains people to write adverts which “benefit from a wealth of” utter twaddle.

More televisual mouth mayhem

Monday, June 7th, 2010
Puyi as Emeperor of Manchukuo
Puyi, as Emperor of Manchukuo

It really is not good for my blood pressure, you know. Last night I watched a documentary I recorded some time ago. It was broadcast on More4 and concerned the life of Puyi, the last emperor of China. It was interesting and had all sorts of archive footage I hadn’t seen before, but it was marred by the execrable pronunciation of Chinese names by the person doing the voice-over. Surely if you are going to do a big production number on a topic you should get the speaker to pronounce the names right, or find another who can. I cannot remember all the nastinesses that were committed, but here is a short list of the mangled names that I can remember. Some of these programmes should carry a public health warning.

  • Tianjin [ti:ændʒɪn] for [tjɛndʑɪn]
  • Kuomintang [kwəʊmɪntæŋ] for [ɡwomɪndæŋ]
  • Manchukuo [mæntʃu:kwəʊ] for [manɖʐouɡwo]
  • Mao Tse Tung [maʊtsɪtʊŋ] for [maodzɤdʊŋ]

To make things worse I then watched the news and was told by the newsreader of a tragedy in Machynlleth [mækɪnləθ]. Surely she could have got a bit closer to [maxənɬɛθ] than that.

Modigliani mangled

Friday, May 21st, 2010
Amedeo Modigliani
Amedeo Modigliani

You may well of heard of the theft of some very pricey paintings from the Musée d’Art Moderne de la Ville de Paris. One of them was by the guy you can see to the left.

I am sure Modigliani would have been astounded at the stupendous price tag on his work. He died a pauper in 1920 at the age of 36. He would, I am sure, be equally astounded to hear, according to the reporter on BBC News last night, that he is not called [modiˈʎʎani] at all really, but [mɒɡdɪɡliˈɑ:ni].  Is it now BBC policy to appoint reporters who show a particular genius for finding the most ridiculous pronunciation for any word which is slightly out of the ordinary and who steadfastly refuse to make use of the excellent service provided by the BBC Pronunciation Unit?

Update And last night on the BBC quiz show Mastermind we had the extremely annoying John Humphrys asking a question about Rossini’s opera La Cenerentola, which he contrived to pronounce [tʃenərənˈtəʊlə] instead of [tʃeneˈrentola].

Kiri who?

Thursday, May 13th, 2010
Dame Kiri Te Kanawa
[ˈkɪri tɪˈkɑ:nəwə]

It was fall-off-my-seat-spluttering-time again. I can no longer remember in what connection, but the continuity announcer on ITV1 last night mentioned the name of the New Zealand opera singer Kiri Te Kanawa. The pronunciation that she perpetrated was [ˈkɪri ˈtɪkəˈnɑ:wə]. Look! If all you do is talk, if that is what you are paid for, why don’t you

GET IT RIGHT?

Bathfillers

Friday, April 2nd, 2010

I think a rant is long overdue.

I am sure we have all come across ridiculously pretentious terms for thing which have perfectly good existing names. You know the sort of thing I mean: waste diposal operative instead of dustman or garbage man, sorry, dustperson or garbage person. We don’t have ticket collectors on trains in the UK any more. We have train managers. I suppose we ought to be grateful they are not called railway customer conveyance vehicle management agents.

Here are a couple of these monstrosities I have come across recently. At Oxfam, where I volunteer, there is a what looks like a small digital camera waiting to be listed for the online store. But no! I am wrong. It is in fact an image capturing device. Silly me. I should have known.

While looking through a folder which was very kindly left behind by the previous owners of the house I came across a leaflet of installation instructions for the tap on the bath. Well, the Maidment household is proud to announce that it does not have anything so common as a bath tap. Oh, deary me no! What we have is a bench-mounted bath filler. So there.

Not a bath tap
This is not a bath tap.

I don’t know if there is already a good term in use for this sort of nonsense, but I would humbly like to suggest bathfiller to take its place alongside eggcorn, mondegreen and the like.

I also would like to announce an activity for all my faithful readers to waste their time over the holiday weekend — the first session of the BLOGJAM BATHFILLER CHALLENGE. I invite you to submit your favourite bathfiller, either concocted or caught in the wild. I shall judge them when I feel like it. In the event of a tie, sorry, unclear victory type scenario, the participant submitting the best bathfiller for the word bucket will be declared the winner.

It only remains for me to wish you a felicitous vernal religious holiday experience.